Is unity possible with someone you don’t like?


We are now three more sleeps until Christmas – one of the few days where we find ourselves surrounded by family, fulfilling traditions, and celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Some of us have wonderful, picturesque and happy families while others of us have dysfunctional ones, and some of us simply live too far away and/or do not have the money to make the trek home for the holidays.

But if you are a Christian, you have a different kind of family as well:  the family and body of Christ, your local church.  If you have been involved in your local church with any dedication and for any amount of time, you have probably noticed that there are as varied personalities there as there are within your natural family.  There are people you cannot wait to see, with whom you love to spend time, and there are those whom you would prefer to simply pass in the hallway.  There are kind, generous and thoughtful people as well as selfish, rude and abrasive people.  We have a little bit of everything.

But as the body of Christ, we have been called to be unified.  We have been called to love.  We have been called to sacrifice for one another.

“Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.”

– Phil 2.2

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”

– 1 Peter 3.8

“I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.”

– 1 Cor 1.10

“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

– Col 3.14

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

– Phil 2.3-4

Have you ever heard someone say, “I love him, but I do not like him”?  It is true that love is deeper than a mere emotional affection.  Love is the intentional choice to care for someone, to put his needs above our own, to serve another and look out for their best interests.  It is also true that it is possible to make that choice to honor, respect and love another person even if the other person’s personality is abrasive and you do not particularly care to be in his presence.

But is it possible to maintain that tension in our spirits for a long period of time?  Can we truly make the choice to love someone while our hearts cringe at the thought of being around him?  No.  I would argue we cannot.

Emotions and affections are reactionary.  We learn as children that when we make up our minds and choose a course of action, everything else follows.  Jesus said simply,

“…for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

– Matt 6.21

Jesus is speaking directly about earthy treasure versus eternal treasures.  If we set our minds and goals on money, toys, fame or anything on Earth, our hearts will follow in desiring and longing for those things.  If we set our minds and goals on eternal things like honoring God and salvation of the lost, our hearts and affections will be pleased with those things.

Not only are emotions reactionary, but Scripture teaches us that our hearts are wicked and deceptive above all else.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?”

– Jer 17.9

Our flesh is marked by our sinful nature, and the natural desires that flow from it are wicked.  If we depend on our hearts to guide us, we will make evil decisions continually.  The emotion of hatred or not liking someone is a result of a wicked heart and unchecked emotions.

As the body of Christ, we have been called to unity.  Unity of mind, unity of purpose, without any division, exemplifying sympathy and brotherly love.  And we simply cannot pursue someone else’s best interest if we do not like him and choose to avoid him.

Ok, so that’s great and all, but what do I do if I do not like someone?

First of all, we need to examine the situation.  Step back and ask yourself, “Why do I not like this person?”  Did this person wrong you at some point in the past?  Was there reconciliation?  Are you jealous of this person for some reason?  Does his personality just rub you the wrong way?

If there is an unaddressed sin, then for the sake of both of your souls, it needs to be addressed.  We are warned strongly throughout Scripture to not make peace with sin or let it continue (Heb 10.26-27, Rom 8.13).  In fact, Scripture teaches us that when a brother is in sin it is our responsibility to humbly draw him to repentance, and if he will not repent to remove him from the church so as to not lead others into sin and hopefully draw him to repentance through that discipline (Gal 6.1, Matt 18.15-17, 1 Cor 5).  This is an act of love, because continuing in sin has the gravest of consequences.  We confront sin in humility, remembering our own sin and being acutely aware that we could be tempted and fall as well.

Was a sin or offense addressed, but you still are bitter?  This is a lack of forgiveness against which we must intentionally fight.  Jesus says that we will forgive in the same way that we have been forgiven, and if we are unwilling to forgive then we prove ourselves to have not been forgiven by God (Luke 7.47, Matt 6.15).  The root of bitterness is a terrible and sly temptation that will ruin us if we do not keep it in check (Heb 12.15).  Recognize in your heart that even if you feel justified in your bitterness, anger or hatred, it will destroy you.  And if Jesus, who is perfect and God can forgive you, then we are compelled to forgive others any offense.

Are you jealous of him?  Perhaps he has a beautiful wife, perfectly behaved children, a wonderful job or that charismatic personality you wish you had.  Or perhaps he speaks too bluntly, makes awkward observations, or has an annoying laugh.  These are heart and sin issues that we need to address without confronting or involving the other person.  Jealousy is a wicked deception of the devil, convincing us that God has not been as good to us as He has to another person.  This is conquered by intentional thankfulness and pursuit of God’s direction in your life.  He may not be giving you money because you would become unfaithful with it.  He may have given you difficult children to grow your faith.  He may have you in your specific job to make a kingdom impact, even if the job is terrible.  God has a perfect and sovereign plan for your life, do not dishonor Him by wishing you had someone else’s, but trust and follow Him.

It is true that we will not be accountability partners, best friends or bosom buddies with everyone.  We simply do not have the time or emotional capability to do so.  Jesus chose twelve disciples, and of those twelve had three closest friends, and He was able to maintain this many relationships in part because He did not go in to an office from 9:00-5:00 every day.

It is also true that in the process of discipleship, people will fail and need to gain victory over specific personality flaws.  Thus, if a man has committed adultery and proven Himself unfaithful, then there is a season of growth, accountability and restoration required before he should be trusted fully again.  If someone has stolen money from the church, he needs to prove his repentance and be restored before serving on the financial team again.  If someone has been caught in a lie, then a system of checks and balances is established for a season while he is restored.

But all of these situations must be confronted and handled in love.  If we have been forgiven, then we must forgive one another.  If someone is seeking to confess and restore himself in the wake of a sin, then it is the body’s responsibility to pray for him and walk with him in that process.  If we never allow him to regain honor or trust, then we are sinning against him.  We, as the body, should be in the business of forgiving and restoring people – just as Jesus forgives and restores us.  We are all going to fall, and we all need grace from God and grace from one another.

As a unified and united body, we will have close friends, we will have acquaintances, and in a large enough body, we will have people whom we have never met.  What is important is that we have a unified heart to love and honor God, that we have a unified mission in reaching our communities and world, and that we are intentionally seeking one another’s well being through brotherly love.  If a need arises in the church, do we jump to meet it?  Do we encourage one another by helping people get connected and involved?

In short, we need to check our hearts.  Our hearts will deceive us and validate our sinful tendencies if we do not keep them aligned with Scripture.  We are commanded to love one another the very same way we love ourselves (Matt 22.39).  So those quirks and tendencies that we overlook in ourselves, we are commanded to overlook in other people.  Those allowances we make for ourselves, we are commanded to make for other people.  And if we care for one another in brotherly love, then we humbly and intentionally address sin that we see in one another.

Remember also, that we are united as a body – working towards a goal.  The Church should not be static relationships, but strategic team work towards impacting the kingdom.  We must therefore intentionally value what everyone brings to the table (1 Cor 12), and when we see a bigger picture we can value others more easily.

Thus we must be unified with someone that we do not like, but we should not be content to “not like” a brother or sister in Christ.  That is an emotional reaction to a bigger issue, which we need to address in our hearts.  Pray for him.  If you pray for someone long enough, you will begin to care about him on a selfless and real level.

So let’s get real with ourselves, with God, and with one another.  Are you harboring anything against someone else?  Confront it – either in your own heart, with God, or with the other person.  Do not let division begin in your Church, that is one of Satan’s greatest tactics to neutralize our effect in our communities and world.  Put one another above yourself.  Love boldly.  Remember that we are working together.  And trust God for the outcome.

Jesus died for that.

“…just as David also speaks of the blessing on the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:  Blessed are those whose lawless deeds have been forgiven, and whose sins have been covered.  Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will not take into account.”

– Rom 4.6-8

I wrote yesterday on personality dispositions and tensions between thinking and feeling.  I am working my way through Romans in my personal daily times with the Lord, and I heard John Piper say, in reference to this passage and our salvation experience:

“Do you see here that Christ is everything?  You cannot love Christ too much.  You cannot think about Christ too much.  You cannot thank Christ too much.  Everything hangs on Christ.”

It struck me that he emphasized both the emotional side and academic side of our relationship in reflecting on our response to the all-satisfying work of Christ’s redemption of believers.

How is it that everything hangs on Christ?

  •  He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor 5.21).
  • More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith (Phil 3.8-9).
  • But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption (1 Cor 1.30).
  • Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom 8.1).

There is a theological term called justification that defines the foundation and first step of the salvation process.  Two things happen at the point of justification:  1)  We are covered by Christ’s righteousness, and 2) Our sin is put on Jesus.  There is a two-way exchange that happens at a decisive moment in time.  But our justification does not mean that we actually become perfect like Jesus or that He becomes sinful.  It means that before God, my sin is credited to Jesus’ account and His righteousness to mine.  And this is the beauty of the cross:  Jesus paid the debt for my sin.  All of it.  It is finished.  God is righteous and because he is just, all sin must be punished.  He will not gloss over any sin, no matter how small, no matter how remorseful I might be.  I cannot just say I am sorry and walk away.  My sin cost Jesus something.  It cost Him his life.  But since He paid the debt, if I confess my sins He is faithful and just to forgive me my sins and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1.9).  Sometimes people over simplify the doctrine saying it means it is “just as if” I had never sinned.  This view is stunted because it is not as though I have never sinned.  That minimizes the power and glory Jesus’ life, death and resurrection.

In reflecting on the thinker/feeler dilemma, I made a certain level of peace with myself this week about not striving to force myself to be something that I am not.  I also have been humbled a lot this week.  Sometimes I go for seasons of seemingly hitting the mark, not having any relational breakdowns, fulfilling the routine…and sometimes I just blow it.  Usually on the communication front.  I can be pretty independent and I regularly give people the benefit of the doubt – expecting the same in return, and thus I find myself being misunderstood from time to time for my lack of intentional communication.  Thinker.  I also highly value reconciliation, peace and restoration of broken relationships, and I have experienced substantial growth over the years in stepping back from situations, looking at the breakdown from the other person’s perspective and owning up to my sin.

Rarely is the reconciliation as clean and neat as we hope that it could be, but I have learned to remind myself of what Peter had to say about suffering:

“For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.”

– 1 Peter 2.20

So.  If you make a mistake, and someone gets mad at you, you honor God by enduring their reaction with patience, kindness and humility.  And you find even more favor with God if you patiently suffer someone’s wrath when you have done nothing to solicit it!

This seems to be pretty black and white to me.  When I make a mistake, own it.  Do not try to force the other person to recognize their failure because I am only responsible for me.  Suffer any push-back or consequence patiently because I brought it on and the other person is probably hurting.  Seek to restore what has been broken.

But yesterday as I was meditating on this mutual transaction of my sin being imputed to Christ, an overwhelming sorrow gripped me.  My sin of thoughtlessness in communication towards another put Christ on the cross.

Jesus died for that.

I do not have to pay the punishment.

He has already paid it.

Perhaps it is the acceptance of my disposition.  Perhaps it is because my mentor and others in my life are praying for my emotional relationship with the Lord.  Perhaps God just chose to reveal Himself to my spirit in that way yesterday.  But it broke my heart.  Emotionally.  And then He restored to me the joy of my salvation because I am righteous in His eyes, He has defeated sin and death and He stands forever as my advocate before God.

 “If God is for us, who is against us?” 

– Rom 8.31

I’ll tell you who is against us.  The enemy.  The principalities.  The false prophets.  Those who hate Christians.  Those against whom we have sinned.  There are many people against us.  But none of them holds sway.  Why?  Because God has counted believers as righteous by the blood of Christ, and even if someone takes your life, he cannot take your soul.

Therefore let us rejoice in the Lord.  Let us serve Him with gladness.  Let us suffer patiently the retribution for our sins from those in our lives because Christ has paid the penalty and we are clean before Him.  Let us humble ourselves because we know that we deserve death, punishment and damnation.  Let us suffer injustice patiently, as Christ did on the cross!  Let us put one another before ourselves and outdo one another in showing acts of kindness, love and mercy.  Let us forgive freely and love generously.  Let us be Christ’s ambassadors here on this Earth for as long as we have breath.  Let us be broken for our sin because it grieves the Spirit who is living within us, and let us give thanks in everything for He alone is our rock, our shield, our strength, and our ability to approach the throne of God.  Let us fall in love with Him more.  Every. Single. Day.